The Messengers: 1.3 “Path to Paradise” Review

Thing High Atop The Thing, These are the most hapless Preventers Of The Apocalypse in a long time. I’m not even kidding. None of the six-out-of-seven Angels of the...

Thing High Atop The Thing, These are the most hapless Preventers Of The Apocalypse in a long time.

I’m not even kidding. None of the six-out-of-seven Angels of the Apocalypse—they should totally audition for a Christian acapella metal band with a name like that—can possibly be older than their mid-30s, yet it’s the high schooler who has the clearest logic: when you want to know something In The World, embrace your Google-fu.

Mind, Peter’s not too much more together than the rest of the AoA—tell me that isn’t funny—since no one’s actually realized that, when you put everyone’s signs together, you get Sen. Cindy Richards as the Horseman of War.

But, I don’t have confidence in this show to do this even though it’s actually not a very good idea to begin with and just lacks inspiration while still embracing so many ridiculous stereotypes about military families and the South (I say as someone from a military family and who’s family is from the South); rather, what’ll they’ll probably do (since the low pitch is already sitting there waiting to have a sweater knit) is that Prime Minister Nazari (Navid Negahban; Scorpion, American Sniper, and Homeland) will somehow end up being the Horseman because he’s Muslim and from the Middle East.

(Again, the actor is Iranian, but I’m not comfortable saying that Nazari is Iranian since I don’t recall the Show mentioning where Nazari is from, but let’s throw into all of this that Interchangeable Asian Middle Easterner trope.)

So. There’s that.

The rest of the episode was split up between Raul trying to rescue his brother Cesar from El Hefe, which is totally fulfilling all the government-adjacent Fast & Furious franchise expectations but with more attempted murder by fellow DEA agents (not to mention the perpetration of, like, every stereotype about Latin@s in the History of Ever); the AoA trying to figure out which person is the actual Horseman (because why would God actually just tell anyone in a straightforward manner who they’re looking for), and Vera and Alan getting their rock from the Devil’s landing site analyzed.

And, the Devil is wandering around being an epic, busybody pain while looking more and more like he should be on a telenovella.

Or, the cover of a romance novel.

(This is how exciting The Messengers is being, yeah? I’m making jokes about the tall, dark, and brooding model-pretending-to-be-the-devil.)

But, the Big News is that Vera figures out what her double-super-secret Angel Power is.

Spirit Walking.

I’m not even kidding. They’re calling it spirit walking. (Because that isn’t hopping right over the line of culturally appropriative at all?)

Why they wouldn’t just call it astral projection or bilocation or something more MK Ultra and The Men Who Stare At Goats, I have no clue.

Honestly, my first joke was “So, Vera’s Kitty Pryde, I guess?”. (I think this might have been more interesting?)

I don’t know. The Messengers really needs to just embrace its sheer ridiculousness and go with it because there’s no way (at least, not that they’ve shown us) for this Show to be serious and interesting and engaging at the same time.

And, right now, I’m not sure that The Messengers is doing any of these.

Except for Alan. Maybe.

It’s Lucky You Picked Us.:

  • LET THERE BE ALL THE EPIC MANPAIN. Because manpain makes the world go ‘round.
  • Project Genesis. Really? With not-goons? With a freakin’ logo and facilities? I mean, I know that the Department of Defense has got to have someone that does graphic design for their projects in there, but the timeline of The Messengers isn’t terribly long—a few days at most—and here Project Genesis is looking like it’s been here for the duration.
  • Maybe it has been. (Re: MK Ultra.)
  • But, this does bring up a valid question about the timeline of the show thus far because we’re supposed to believe that it’s only been, like, three days, but there hasn’t been enough time allotted so far to cover Fullsom’s funeral arrangements let along anything else. Just sayin’.
  • And, while we’re discussing the illogic of this show, why do the AoS’s seem to have a pardon from God to do whatever? I’m pretty sure that a sin is a sin is a sin when it’s committed—not choices given to you or not.
  • Also, WHY IS THIS SHOW BEING SO CHRISTIAN. I’m really getting tired of LET’S STOP THE APOCALYPSE shows being so ridiculously, inflammatoryingly Christian.
  • Yes, let’s just have Nadia watch Amy for the duration. Because Nadia is your built-in babysitter.
  • While The Last Supper Bar & Grill is funny, does no one realize how easy a target they are just sitting in there for hours at a time?
  • Evidently not because Peter gets pinched.
  • Wow, are they hapless.
  • Alan continues to be amazing and awesome, and the AoA would be so much better off if Alan were on their team.
  • Can we talk about the awful list of tropes we’re presented with because of Leo Travers (Justin Bruening; Ravenswood, Grey’s Anatomy, and Hawaii Five-O)? Because the entire “Let me push you away and make you think I was cheating on you because I have a degenerative, inheritable disease.” is really something we need to see together in any configuration. Also, not played by an actor in a wheelchair.
  • LET THE MAGIC ROCK BRING LIFE AND DEATH IN EQUAL MEASURES. I just kinda want to know why it does what it does when it does it. Is it a reflection of the people involved or something?
  • Is it really necessary for Alan to have a thing for Vera?
  • Is any of the ableism or casual ableist language in this episode needed? (Spoiler: No, it isn’t.)
  • You know what I’d really like? Is if Nazari were the missing AoA, but that’s not really tenable because he’s a Prime Minister. He won’t be able to play Scooby Doo & the End of Everything with the AoA.
  • HOW ARE THEY PAYING FOR THINGS?!?!?! (Excluding Vera.)
  • No light-wings this week, thank The Thing High Atop The Thing. (Boss said that they reminded her of the 90s portrayals of Caspar the Friendly Ghost. Boss is not wrong.)
  • If someone would like to adapt/reboot The Prophecy or Stigmata into TV shows, I’d watch that.
Image courtesy of the CW

Trie – Deputy Editor

Hey, I’m ‘trie (sounds like “tree”). I’m a university-educated mixed media artist, wannabe writer, and the poster child for the nerd-geek-dork trifecta. I’m also a gender queer, pansexual, polyamorous feminist and Hellenic pagan with a social media habit like whoa.
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